Owlet Life

darcyolsson:

darcyolsson:

i could never be american because whenever I get a big drink I’m like oh great now I have to drink this big drink. i have to take care of this big drink they gave me. everything is terrible in the world

too many upset americans in the notes of this post. why don’t you come over and take care of that big ass drink for me then. why don’t you carry it around for me. you must’ve built up a lot of muscle dragging those drinks around every day. why don’t you help me drink it since you’re oh so experienced at drinking big drinks. two straws. one cup. why don’t you tenderly look into my eyes over the styrofoam rim. we could share a moment and a drink together, feel the intimacy of experiencing the same thing at the same time. at the end of the day my opinion on big drinks will have shifted. it’s not the sugar on my lips that changed my mind. i love you but I’ll never say. you mistake my fear for indifference and we break each other’s hearts. I’m resentful towards big drinks again but it’s for a far more complicated reason than just my being European. not that anyone would ever notice the difference. well, except for you, I suppose. funny to think that the only person who knows that about me is a complete stranger. who said that

heehoothefool:

ghost–bot:

cheddar-baby:

cheddar-baby:

What the sneef? I’m snorfin’ here!

Hey? You doin alright @ghost–bot ??

ti-bae-rius:

ti-bae-rius:

beggars-opera:

toastpotent:

tilthat:

TIL “Yankee Doodle” was written by the British to mock americans. “Doodle” is thought to come from the German “dödel”, meaning “fool” or “simpleton” and “macaroni,” a flamboyantly stylish type of dress, painting the Yankees as morons who thought placing a feather in one’s cap made them a “dandy.”

via reddit.com

so you’re telling me that “stuck a feather in his hat and called it macaroni” would be like saying “wrote a G on his belt and called it gucci”

that’s…a pretty good analogy actually

US moron came to town

Hunting for some coochie

Wrote a G up on his belt

And this bitch called it Gucci

Seeing my notifications get flooded with this every July 4th is the only thing I respect about America

clickityweasel:

flipocrite:

botanyshitposts:

scientists in the 1990s, putting a Get More Purple gene attached to a harmless plant virus into an already purple petunia: please get more purple

the petunia, sensing an apparent honest to god Get More Purple Disease, using the previously undiscovered RNAi antiviral ability to shut down all other purple genes along with it just in case: you put VIRUS in petunia? you infect her with the More Purple?? oh! oh! her children shall bloom white! jail for mother, jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

dr-algernop:

birdnerd18:

dad-rock-davos:

the best trope in media is: “characters turn on the lights, see the monster, and immediately turn the lights back off”

Originally posted by chillicheeseflies-blog

unashamedly-enthusiastic:

lazy-cat-corner:

unashamedly-enthusiastic:

I think to topple the devine rights of kings billionaires, we need to dispel the myth that they have that money because they are smart and worked hard and make good decisions

I think the zip ties on the submarine and the limited views on the advertising platform might begin to show them for what they are

They are not smarter than you. They are not better than you. And if you suddenly magically got all that money people would stop saying ‘no’ to you too. and that is not a good thing

The the zip ties on the WHAT?

Key equipment was attached to the outside of the submarine with zip ties

ALT

eskiworks:

katy-l-wood:

gallusrostromegalus:

I was raised agnostic and tend to remain ambiguous on theological matters.

-but my house has a porch on the second story that affords me a terrific view of my neighborhood and the Colorado Front Range and I was partaking of some peace before the 4th Of July Finger-Loss Festivities begin, and I have had a

~*Spiritual Experience*~

I just watched my neighbor try to unload an actual wooden pallet that had to have been forklifted into the back of his insecurity pickup worth of fireworks.

Except that he does not have a forklift in his garage.

He does have so much sports memorabilia and cardboard boxes of unsold MLM Merchandise and patriotically themed camping gear and posters of women in bikinis and flags of suspect political organizations in his garage that there is only
BARELY
enough space for the fireworks
and certainly none for his truck.

So he had to unload the individual boxes of recreational explosives from the back of his truck and stack them in the minimal space he had cleared by hand.
This is a tedious and time-consuming process as this neighbor has purchased a wide variety of recreational and locally illegal explosives instead of many of just a few types, so the individual boxes are rather small.

He begins,
and this is crucial to what happens next,
by cutting apart the industrial-grade saran wrap his explosives dealer had so carefully wrapped his merchandise in, and discarded it
unsecured
on his lawn.

Where Outdoor Conditions sometimes happen.

Keep reading

Finally, the endless deluge accomplishes something other than flooding.

This story brought me immense joy as a fellow Coloradan. Even though we spent the storm defending our basement from flooding again, I’m utterly thrilled

sophiethedemon:

dumplinglion:

This is, no joke, how it happened for me.

validwarriorcatsnames:

amarkls:

cryptid-on-a-string:

hustlerose:

hustlerose:

of course you have blood all over you. and pronouns

easy website

^^^ me when I’m trying to calm down my horse named “Website”

weird horse

“Websight” is a Valid Warrior Cat Name!

fremedon:

ratgirl-big-tits:

ruckuscauser:

shredsandpatches:

mr-craig:

finally-figured-it-out:

finally-figured-it-out:

There was a young man from Peru

Whose limericks stopped at line two

There once was a man from Verdun

There once was a man from the sticks
Whose limericks stopped at line six.
They were fine till line five
Then they took quite a dive —
But the problem is easy to fix
If you just ignore the last line, it doesn’t even follow the rhyme scheme oh god I’ve really lost control of this thing I’m so sorry…

There once was a man

From Cork who got limericks

And haiku confused.

There once was a man from the sticks

Who liked to compose limericks

But he failed at the sport

Because he wrote them too short

@limerickshere

There once was a fellow named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
When told this was so,
He replied, “Yes, I know–
It’s because I try to squeeze as many syllables into the last line as I possibly can.”